It’s all in Preparation

I HAVE TOO MANY IDEAS! 

I’M TAKING IN TOO MUCH INFORMATION.

THINGS ARE CHANGING TOO FAST!

I’M LEARNING TOO MUCH!

*phew

Maybe that needs to be bigger *PHEW! 

I cannot WAIT for all my video stuff to finally come in because there is just so much happening in life, so many thoughts, so many stories or just valuable information that I want to share with everyone. 

I feel like currently, I’m being my true self 100% and it’s so amazing and I have so much gratitude surrounding this feeling. 

I started my day today at therapy where I spoke about the “AHA” moment I had regarding mindfulness and meditation last week. I spoke about my decision to start using my birth name/government name on my art and I spoke about finding my true self. 

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1. Mindfulness and Gratitude in another blog.
2. The previous blog about my Name but I have a little store with an update coming.
3. This one is about my True Self.

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In regards to my True Self:

When I was younger I never felt at home here - in my small town, in my schools, in my family or with the people I was surrounded by. The big message I got from life during that time was “this hurts, I do not want this.” And so I always knew that I would leave to search for something that did feel like home. Something that was comfortable, fulfilling and happy.

I did leave. I went to school and afterward I came back (to the small town). I moved to Montreal and when things got to be too much mentally I returned. To see my doctor about medication and to try therapy. That would last two weeks and back to Montreal before I made the decision to move to Toronto. While in Toronto I spent time in Detroit with my first love. That ended and work brought me to Mississauga. When my life crumbled I retreated back here. A job opportunity and the promise of a forever love took me to Texas but that turned out to be smoke and mirrors. I decided to make the most of the situation with work only to find the most traumatic experience of my life and while in emotional ruin chose to retreat once again back here to my small town.

I hated it. I hated it every single time the universe forced me back here. Time and time again I fought against it only this time when I was forced back here I was so broken that I felt as though I was a walking human emotional wound, cut open and bleeding. I felt like I had been so knocked down and had again lost everything that there was no other option than to not rebuild myself but build a completely new self. 

I started therapy and I met someone amazing, who started talking to me about all the things I needed her to talk to me about only without me knowing. She spoke to me about mindfulness, about gratitude, about the universe and about finding my true self. About slowing down and listening to what I needed. She didn’t give up on me when I had push back and attitude, when I got tired, when I had to cry or be angry. She just listened and allowed me to feel and express. In answer she validated my feelings, she offered me new perspectives, gave me reading material and she told me that everything that I was doing right. Eventually, she wore down my old ideals and as I was opening up she sprinkled the seeds that would eventually grow into new ones. 

Now, I’m still not super comfortable with the term “spiritual” and I’m still against myself being part of any type of organized religion but I can fully say that in this moment I feel the best I have felt in my entire life. I say that because I feel like I was open enough and listening enough and healing enough to find my true inner self. Now that I’ve found this I feel like it’s a little stupid who that is and where I am because I know full well that I’ve been working against it for YEARS. 

I look back and I realize that while I understand the motivation behind everything that I was chasing that I chose the wrong things to chase. I did this over and over again, unable to let go of things that I thought would make my life better. I wasn’t listening to my gut or my emotions because I had already decided what would be best for me. Only I made that decision foolishly and based on what society told me would make a “good life”. I chased money, success, job titles, what I thought love was, validation from others etc. 

And it never happened. I was fighting my true self and living in me “representative” in order to exist in spaces that didn’t suit me. Instead of being myself I looked at the situation and the people within it and I made myself what they required. 

Looking back at everywhere I’ve been and how many times I’ve lost “everything” and ended up back here it’s so fucking obvious to me life was trying to remind me of everything I’m finding again right now. Only I wasn’t able to listen then.

But here we are, in the place that I was born. Where I live across from the water with my mother. Where I’m surrounded by nature, by sun and beaches. Where I can watch the sunset every single day. Where I walk through the grass with bare feet almost every day. Where I can walk through the deep forest any time I like. I feel grounded by these things. I’m alone and I’m living very slowly. I wake up and I listen to myself daily. I ask myself what I need? What would you like to do? What will make you happy? The only thing that beats out those questions is if I wake up with 100 ideas surrounding art. I know that when I wake up that way I need to get them out into my sketchbook or into words so I don’t forget them. 

I’m also creating. I’m creating consistently. I’m creating even though I don’t have a specific end goal. If I have a couple pieces or things I know for sure, I’m just trying things and I’m going with it with the belief that things will come together in the end. That I will work my way through it and know what it’s all for. I’m being experimental and both in creating as well as living I’m simply open. I’m open to receiving everything that comes and I’m open to allowing things to leave. I know that even if I have emotions tied to those things that ultimately they are out of my control so I feel through my emotions, I give them my attention for a little while and then I do my best to let them go. 

Right now I do not fight, I do not push - with anything or anyone. If things don’t come easily I don’t do them. If things don’t serve me and this energy I don’t do them. I don’t spend time with people who don’t feed me on an emotional level. I’m completely closed to all of these things. However, all of that said I feel the most “open” I’ve ever been and in return I’m given so many gifts. 

I wake up so many days with new creative ideas.

At work, I’m learning so many things that just make so much sense for this new path that I’m taking.

The universe is giving me all the signs I need in order to stay on the right path. I’m not confused about where I’m going and I have no doubts about getting there. (I’ll write another small blog with a story about this.)

I really want to share all of this with everyone but I don’t have enough time and energy to do it all but even that is an amazing exhilarating feeling. 

For example today after therapy I had a call with the individual I work with. He’s just come back from a Marketing Conference and we had some plans change but in a great way. There are all these new ideas and he’s investing all this money to go to conferences with the best of the best and I’m taking it all in and while I’ll be doing work for him and his business I’m also stealing so many ideas and tidbits for myself which is amazing. 

Seriously, right now there is just not enough time in the day but in the best way possible and it’s so satisfying looking back and knowing that everything I’ve gone through was in preparation for who I am at this exact moment. It’s the best feeling knowing exactly who you are, why and having the belief that you’re not only happy doing what you are currently but that in the future you’ll accomplish amazing things.